11:38 a.m. - 2005-01-25
Sick Of This...
i'm sick, sick, SICK! of getting kicked in the ass everytime i try to do good for people...
but then i've always said i'm a sucker for punishment, so that maybe why i keep on fucking doing it.. WHY!? its not like anyone appreciates what i do anyway.. yet i'm not asking for appreciation, just dont... turn your back on me the minute everything starts going well for you again
the 'you' here btw is generic...
but y'know what? thats what always happens.. the minute things start going well its always 'oh we dont need Jo anymore so lets just toss her to the curb'.
it happens every slagging time and i'm just sick of getting hurt by it all the time.. but its like a drug or something y'know... that good feeling that comes with helping someone, you like to feel it again so you keep on helping to feel it again, but then once it wears off it just gets so fragging depressing...
i dont even know why i continue to want to help people.. maybe its my naive thinking that everyone deserves another chance to get things right, and that everyone deserves to be happy..
well probably everyone except me that is... they all like to think they know me well, that because i'm smiling all the time, that everything in my life is just shiny-happy... well you know slag.
maybe i keep smiling because i dont feel its fair on my part to go and dump my problems on someone else, because i know how it feels when i have people come and dump their problems on me. heck i'm used to it, so i can take it, part of me even welcomes it.. but then, everybody's not me.
i dont believe in airing my 'dirty laundry' to the world. i prefer to deal with my misery alone. no, misery does not love company.. at least mine doesnt.
i dont know why i have to be obligated to people to tell them every little thing i do with my life.. its like i'm not allowed to have a personal life, and if i try to have one, then i'm being unfriendly and cold because i'm not telling everybody what i do
WHAT THE FRAG IS UP WITH THAT!?
Its not fair! its really not.. i dont go running after you, asking you to tell me everything you're doing, i dont get fucking pissed with you if you choose not to tell me. i know privacy is a precious thing sometimes. something that i'd like to have without being made to feel guilty about it...
why?! why do you expect me to keep talking all the time? is it because i tend to talk alot? maybe so.. but there are just times when i have nothing to say.. just... nothing... you dont know how quiet i can get.. yes i am capable of remaining silent for long periods of time. i have gone days where i have never spoken more than a few words to people..
and still people think they know me well enough to know that it means i'm cold and unfeeling. FRAG YOU!
how would you feel if people expected you to keep on talking all the time, over and over again...
its a fucking wonder i havent been admitted to a fucking asylum yet, with all the conflicts going on in my head. trying to be who i am, while at the same time trying to be what other people expect of me; wanting to help those who come to me for help, yet knowing that there's a high chance that i'm going to get kicked in the ass and tossed out if i do.
so yes.. thank you.. thank you so fragging much for understanding just who i am...
maybe i should just go die or something now, then maybe i'll finally have some peace and quiet where people wont be so quick to jump to conclusions about me..
.. there's an idea..
